Dangerous Knowledge: Chapters 1 and 2(UPDATE 4/22/12, 11:10 PM Central Time)

[Emperor Wilbers]

UPDATE: I finished Chapter 2 and fixed some grammar issues here and there. For chapters 3 and 4 I am going to make a seperate topic. Same goes for 5 and 6, 7 and 8, etc.

Here is a novel (and hopefully series) I'm starting that is based in the same world as my soon to be RP is. I hope you like it. I'm aiming for about 3000+ words in each chapter and I want at least 120,000 words in the entire novel.

Spoiler

1

The ground quaked as Richard Motani crouched in the corner, waiting for the seemingly inevitable end to come.
The house walls were vibrating, picture frames and valuables of Richard?s being projected off of the furniture and walls like they were tomatoes. He shielded glass pots and decorations that fell towards his head with his hands, causing most of them to bounce off and hit the floor, smashing into a thousand pieces. Several of his most beloved items had broken, but he merely disregarded it, more worried about what was outside.
He feared for not only his well-being but for his mother?s and sister?s well-being. He couldn?t stop thinking about them, hoping they were safe. He decided to forget about them finally and focus on his current situation. He couldn?t even focus on that.
The insistent rumbling, and crashing, and large explosions coming from outside his house frightened him, but the quakes were not frightening him. It was knowledge. It was simply knowledge that had bothered him, for if he didn?t know what was outside he wouldn?t be in the corner of his kitchen. If he knew from knowledge that he could simply just go outside in the open prairies and hills, away from the flying debris inside, he would?ve. But he couldn?t, knowing what was out there.
He waited for what seemed like hours upon hours of constant noise. There weren?t two seconds when there was no noise pervading his house, filling his ears, and drowning him, slowly torturing him from his innards. He was at the lowest of his mental capability and could hardly walk from the loud volume of it all, not that he even tried.
Not only were there tremors and shakes, there were also screams. Screams Richard had never heard before. They were ear-piercingly loud. They would come periodically and then stop for a few minutes, and then he would hear more.
So much death, Richard thought, but he could not avoid it. He knew it would come. It would come to everyone in Jakensfield like a mobile slaughterhouse, just like it would come to him. The end was near and he knew it.
Knowing of the end he searched for some hope, or anything else he could grab on to for guidance. He thought of his mother and sister, about how many fun times they had spent together, playing in the fields, living the perfect life.   Everything slowed as he thought of his family, and the noise drained out of his ears. His muscles loosened up and he was able to concentrate. His mind cleared of all the pain, and hopelessness. He could now think of the present situation, rather than dwell in the bowels of his mind, waiting to be slaughtered.
As he regained full consciousness he heard footsteps coming from the back door of his small, wooden shack that he called home. He froze up, wondering if it was one of them. His breathing faltered and he felt his heart skip a beat as he saw a shadow of a figure appear on the opposite wall. The shadow was coming from someone in the hallway. His eyes widened as he saw a foot step into the entrance opposite him. The step was slow, but it was followed by another one. Then a full body appeared.
His body limped with relief, and he was panting from the suspense. ?Elrond!? Richard exclaimed. A grim face immediately turned from a pale pink to a rosy red hue. ?Richard! Am I glad to see you?!? They ran towards each other, grasping each other on impact. Richard yelled over the noise outside, ?What are you doing here? Shouldn?t you be on your way to Port Nod??
?No, they sent me back because the military didn?t need me anymore. I came here to see how you were doing but I found that the town was under attack.?
Richard examined his old friend, seeing if he was healthy or not. The sight of him brought back many memories of his childhood with him. He would always sneak away to go to his house to play with fake wooden swords and pretend they were both warriors fighting evil beasts called the Et?Unda, or Creatures of Death. He ignored the thoughts, fearing of the invaders.
?Why?d you come here? You should?ve saved yourself. It?s too dangerous,? Richard said. ?No. I will not leave you behind. We have to go. Now! Follow me out the back, and stay low. Don?t look at anything you see outside, or it will be the last time you do. C?mon, let?s go!? Elrond gestured Richard to follow, and he did with no hesitation whatsoever, no questions asked.
They snuck to the back door and Elrond opened it so slowly it seemed as if it was not moving at all. The door creaked open and the noise only got louder, and more definite and distinguishable. He could tell what the sounds were coming from.

Magic.

He just knew it. There was never any magic in the Empire because the Emperor, Kan Kahuul, had banned it, along with many other things including any religion, but he only heard rumors of what the invaders could do with magic. He didn?t dare look at what was whizzing back and forth and exploding things. He heeded Elrond?s words and followed him, not looking at the figures that were all around them.
They got on their stomachs and crawled through the bug infested plants that reached up about two feet high, just enough to keep them out of the invaders? sight.
Elrond never said a word, or even looked back to see if Richard was there, probably because Elrondon trusted him enough, Richard had thought. They crawled for extensive periods of time, nearly hours in between each resting point, which were only a few minutes anyways.
Both of them were itching with bug bites bud didn?t even reach to scratch a single time. About halfway there Richard swore he had heard footsteps. He tapped Elrond?s foot and Elrond looked back. Richard made a face saying not to do anything.
They sat there for half an hour before they started off again. The whole time they were sitting there neither of them moved an inch, much less breathed correctly to avoid being overheard. They could hear the rustling leaves back, and forth, back, and forth, sloshing around in a random manner. Why couldn?t whatever was there just have moved on? If it knew they were there it would?ve already confronted them, or would not have been moving in such a random and casual motion, Richard thought.
Finally, the thing had gone, relieving Richard and Elrond exponentially. They continued very hurriedly, intending not to be stopped again.
About four and a half hours of crawling Elrond turned around and stood up slowly, peering around and observing that the area was safe and stood up slowly. He gestured for Richard to do so too. Both standing they looked off in the distance to find something most horrid.
Enormous pillars of pitch black smoke had risen into the skies and created ash clouds that must have been miles wide. Fire had ensued and burnt the plains to a crisp. They were surprised to see that large of fires from the distance away they were. Richard had guessed that the fires were about five hundred feet high.
?I never would?ve believed that the MRA would?ve made it this far. I thought the Empire had it under control. Why did they lie, Richard? Why?!? Tears poured down Elrond?s face as he stared into Richard?s light blue eyes. Tears followed on Richard?s face. He tried to pull himself together but he just couldn?t. Richard stared back into Elrond?s hazel eyes. ?I don?t know! Don?t ask me! I don?t know. We just, have to bring it together, and, find out what to do with ourselves. Okay?? Richard tried to hold in his tears to keep from sobbing but it hurt too much. ?Okay,? Elrond barely whispered.
?Good. Now where do you think we might be?? Richard asked. ?Well, I headed us south, and we haven?t crossed the river yet, and we?re on the edge of the Waterwind Forests, so, we are either on the path to Marenkon, or Port Nod. I honestly don?t know which trail I?d rather be on, considering the MRA probably has many armies heading up that road, but then, I defy The Empire and their petty corruption,? Elrond reasoned. They stood for a few minutes to think it out, the bug infested tall grass made them itch to leave.
?Well, I also don?t believe in the Empire?s madness in reasoning with its people, but I do believe that the MRA has good intentions, but not good ways of handling them. If we go to Port Nod we will be safe for a few days until the MRA comes to attempt to take the capital. Either way, an invasion is still violent and we could die from fires, or anything. If we went to Marenkon we would be safer once inside the city. I heard the defense isn?t nearly as brutal as the offensive armies are,? Richard explained. Elrond took a minute to ponder over it. ?I?ve also heard that Marenkon is a very beautiful city. I think we should probably go to Marenkon, because then, we would have an entire forest, army, river, and city between us and the Empire.? He declared.
?Then we probably shouldn?t take the main road there. I know of a couple trails we can take to get there, although, it is getting a bit dark. I think we should camp somewhere for the night. I see a clearing by the trees, just over there.? Richard pointed to a large empty space about a few hundred feet away. ?Alright, let?s head that way then.?
The two of them wiped the grass and dirt off their chests and set off. Richard couldn?t help but think about his mother and sister. He wished he knew where they were so he could see them, but he couldn?t. He pulled out a drawing of them that he had sketched in his free time. It had portrayed them as queens in his mind. He shoved the picture back in his pants pocket and kept walking.
They had entered the clearing before long and found a tree to sleep near. Elrond simply threw himself on the ground and fixated his eyes into the heart of the pillars of smoke.
Dusk was at its peak and the sun was casting a majestic glow on the sky that moved Richard. The combination of the smoke and ash, with the glow of the sky had created an unearthly aurora like phenomenon. It was absolutely stunning. Richard had sat at the tree staring up at the sky, wondering at what was in the beyond. He guessed at what there might be for countless hours, thinking and wondering. Finally, at some point in the night he fell into a deep sleep.

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Richard could hear a faint voice. It was getting progressively louder. He could hear it now, ?Richard? Richard? Richard, wake up!? He sat bolt right up, drenched in sweat. His eyes were wide as he looked around to see where he was.
?It?s just me. You were yelling in your sleep, and so I had to wake you up. How do you feel?? Elrond asked. ?Not good, but not terrible.? Richard gripped his stomach to keep from puking. ?Here, lay down. You need not be up in this condition.? Elrond set his pack behind Richard and laid him back on the pack.
?Thank you, friend,? Richard said. ?What in the world were you dreaming of, Richard?? ?I?m not sure. I-I can?t remember anything. Only that it was terrifying.? Richard coughed up blood as he choked on his own words. Elrond cleaned him up and thought a minute. ?I?m not leaving to go anywhere until you?re fit for travel.?
?No! You must be safe. I won?t let you risk your life for me,? Richard coughed some more. ?I insist. I would never leave any friend of mine in any bad situation. I will stay with you until you are physically fit for travel.?
Elrond stood up and brushed himself off. He paced for a few seconds, and then breathed in the fresh morning air. ?I saw a creek on our walk over here, just over there, in the woods. I?m going to get some water in my flask for you.? He pulled out a metal flask showing it to Richard.
?If you see anyone coming your way, then scream for me. I mean anybody you see. I shouldn?t be far so I would be here in a matter of seconds. Is there anything you need?? Richard would not argue with Elrond, so he simply complied with his commands. ?No,? Richard said.
?Okay, I?ll be back in about fifteen minutes. Remember what I said,? he turned away and walked towards the west along the tree line. After a few minutes Richard saw his figure disappear into the woods.
He felt so alone, so afraid of what was out there. He thought about his mother and sister, and recalled the circumstances that led to their leaving.
He could remember every detail of the horrid day. He was at home with them and was in an argument with his mother. He got frustrated and left to Elrond?s house to think over the situation. He came back a few hours later to find they were not home. He panicked and searched the home fervently. He found nothing but one note on the dining room table. It read:

To my dearest son,
I regret to announce that I have gone on vacation away from home in the Perrion Plains with your sister to give me time to write my book I?ve always wanted to finish. Do not come looking for me, because I assure you I will be back in a couple of months.
      Take care,
                               Mom

He remembered every last word in that and will always until he gets his mother back to him. He shoved the thought away and went back to thinking about the time.
What time had it been? Was it ten, fifteen, or even twenty minutes that passed? Richard looked around in a panic. He looked at the sky and saw the sun directly overhead.

It was the afternoon.

Had it really been several hours? Richard jumped up with no hesitation. He looked around for any sign that Elrond was there. There was none. Elrond was gone.

2

Richard had been used to the woods. He remembered himself going into the woods by himself when he was young because it was the only place he could think and became an expert on the surrounding areas and the terrain. He could find his home when he was ten miles away even if he was in the middle of a forest.
Richard had developed an ingenuitive talent to finding things, and became extremely observant. Richard knew to go after Elrond, solely because Elrond is his closest friend and wouldn?t last three days away from home without him, but also because Richard didn?t know his way to Marenkon, and would have a better chance of surviving with Elrond, who has been to Marenkon several times while working for The Empire?s army before the war.
Richard remembered the direction that Elrond had taken; it was just south, into the woods. Elrond said that he?d be at a creek so Richard looked for any natural formations and signs that would lead him to a creek.
He reached a small trail leading into the woods that Richard had remembered as a child. He knew that it was not used anymore because of several abductions and raids but what bandit wouldn?t ransack caravans and travelers on the intersection of the two major roads in the Empire.
The path was at a slight slope downwards and was becoming narrower and less distinct. He tore down several spider webs that got in his way and climbed over large rocks that got bigger as he went downward. He could tell he was almost there.
There was then a sudden steep drop-off that cut Richard short. It went down about ten feet before dipping into a rocky and wet river bed. He had reached the creek.
There was one off putting thing that came to Richard, however. There was no water. It was completely empty, and by the looks of it had been dry for at least a month. Richard scanned up and down the creek but didn?t see Elrond anywhere. He was dumbstruck.
Richard slid down the slope and stopped himself with his feet on two large boulders. He got up and wiped himself off. He then picked up a small rock that fit perfectly with the palm of his hand. He tossed it around a little to get the feeling for it and shoved it in his pocket. After scanning the ground for several minutes he saw an imperfection in the dirt on the other side of the creek. It wasn?t concentrated and led up to the shoreline. It had left a path in the fallen leaves on the ground.
This left a little hope in Richard. He started walking down the path, his eyes fixated on the misplaced leaves and rocks. He started walking faster and faster, until he was at a jog. He couldn?t help himself so he started running as fast as he could, out of the desperateness to find his friend.
He looked out in front of him and saw a strange glow far ahead. He squinted his eyes trying to see if he could figure out what it was. Then, in a matter of seconds he was down on the ground in pain from tripping on a large rock. His stomach started to hurt from the fall. He looked at his hands and saw blood dripping from his fingertips. He groaned out in pain.
Richard tore chunks of his under shirt and wrapped it around his hands to slow the bleeding. He got up, aching, and brushed off all the dirt. He gazed at what he tripped on and was surprised.
Richard?s eyes went wide when he saw half of a skull bulging out of the ground. His breath went cold and was paralyzed with fear. He had never even seen a picture of a skeleton.
Richard bent down cautiously and stared at it. There was no doubt that it was a human skull. Richard didn?t know what to do. There was a small sparkling in the corner of his eye. He looked down towards the skull?s forehead and saw the right side of a star. He removed some leaves and was startled. Imprinted on the forehead of the skull was the mark of Kos.
Richard staggered back a few steps in astonishment. He knew what had happened to this poor soul. They had been kidnapped by necromancers. Necromancers under the sign of Kos.
Richard looked back at the light and knew what was in store for him. He must get to Elrond before the necromancers would release their power upon him.
Richard had only heard stories of the necromancers before. They were called Kosists, for practicing the worshipping of Kos, an evil god, the god of death. Kosism is banned in the Empire, and the MRA because of inhumane practices. The Empire also wants to have no business in magic, so they ban all of it from its lands. The Kosists are said to kidnap someone and take them back to their camp. There they will unleash their power, but Richard doesn?t know exactly what they do. He just hopes that Elrond will be alright until he gets to him.
It was getting dark outside. Richard decided to wait until sunset, so he wouldn?t be spotted yet. He patted his pocket to make sure that the rock was still there. It was.
After about an hour Richard started walking towards the light. He could make out what the glowing light was. It was a fire. He knew to stop there, and so he stepped to the side and peered over a large boulder to see ahead.
Richard could see three figures huddled around the large fire. They were shrieking with laughter, nearly knocking themselves into the fire with their hysterical cackling. He figured they were drunk, and would make it much easier to sneak by them, especially with Richard?s experience in the woods.
Richard crouched and stepped through the underbrush warily, avoiding large clumps of leaves and sticks to prevent making noise. He was about one hundred feet away when he stopped and resituated himself to get a better look at the camp.
There were three women dancing around the fire, chanting. Behind the fire were five tents. There was nothing else beyond that. How could this be, Richard thought. There was nothing showing any sign of Elrond?s whereabouts or even these drunken young women being Kosists.
Richard felt a hatred rising up his stomach, then through his throat, and out his mouth. ?Elrond!? Richard yelled at the top of his lungs, sending birds flying in all directions. The air froze cold with fear. He saw the women whip around quickly.
?Who?s there? Is it you, morani? Have you come back for some more? I?m sure we can help you with your, necessities.? The women howled with laughter at the remark, but obviously were too drunk to tell what Richard had yelled.
Richard started backing up slowly; suspense was hanging on a wire, threatening to reveal Richard to the women. ?Come here, dearie! We don?t bite. Usually.? They howled even louder.
Within seconds the middle woman?s head was connected to a tree by a single arrow. The rest of her body fell to the ground. There was a second?s hesitation, and then screaming and terror filled the air. The other two sprinted off into the woods. Richard stood eyes wide open and watching the whole thing take place.
Richard stepped slowly into the campsite. It was completely dark out except for the crackling fire and the hot coals. There was complete silence. Richard took the arrow out of the head, grabbing the head by its hair and tossing it into the woods. He wiped the blood off the arrow and examined it thoroughly. He recognized the arrows. They were Elrond?s arrows. Elrond must?ve taken his bow and arrows with him when he left. Richard guessed he was too drowsy that morning to tell what Elrond had with him.
There was a crunching of leaves that stopped short as soon as Richard snapped his head up to see what it was. He could start to see a figure forming on the other side of the fire. Then a face showed.
?Elrond! I can?t believe it?s you!? Richard ran towards Elrond who went from a focused face to a relieved one. They hugged each other with all their strength. How Richard had longed to see Elrond, even though he was only gone for the day.
?Richard! It?s so good to see you. I feared you would get into trouble trying to come and get me but, well, I guess I came along just in time to save you from being slaughtered,? Elrond said frantically.
?Slaughtered? They were just three drunk women. How could they be dangerous?? Richard asked.
?We have to talk about who they really were. Come. Let?s use their tents to sleep for the night. I can tell you about them soon. Le?me get the tents ready for sleep and then I?ll tell you about those people.? Elrond turned and started toward the tents leaving Richard clueless.
When Elrond finally came back Richard and him sat on a log near the fire. ?I found some extra Motoine. Would you like some?? Elrond offered.
Richard had remembered Motoine from when he was a child. His father had always given Richard a sip of it when he was good. He loved it. He thought it tasted like apple juice with just a bit of a tang in it.
?Sure, thanks.? Richard grabbed the glass bottle from Elrond?s hand and popped off the cork. ?Ah, hadn?t had some of this in some time.? Richard was glowering down at the bottle, aching to have a sip of the refreshing alcohol. With no hesitation Richard chugged the bottle until it was gone.
?That was great!? Richard knew better than to drink a whole bottle of alcohol but Motoine wasn?t as potent as most other local drinks.
?So who were they?? Richard asked.
?They were Kosists,? Elrond said.
?What? How is that possible? Okay, they were drunk and all, but they didn?t even use their powers. How could that be?? Richard leaned closer to Elrond.
?Well, whenever Kosists use their powers they drain themselves of their power, and can?t do anything about it,? Elrond whispered back.
?Okay, that answers that. Where were you all day??
Elrond looked up to the sky, his eyes glinting from the reflection of the fire. ?I was captured by the Kosists. A different group, mind you. They were? kind, to me. I can?t explain it any other way. They were just, different than any others.? Elrond?s face lit up with a radiant smile.
?Could you be more cryptic?? They both laughed. ?Sorry, I just, wouldn?t trust anyone with what I would tell them. Not even you.? This appalled Richard.
?I don?t know what to say. I mean, I?ve known you my entire life. We?ve always shared things together. Why would you keep what you?re hiding from me?! What could I possibly do to jeopardize anything of yours?!? Richard got up and started towards the tent.
?Richard, don?t go. That didn?t come out as it was supposed to. Richard!? Elrond watched hopelessly as Richard walked to the tent, hands in a fist.
Elrond sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He got up and went to Richard?s tent. He opened the flap.
?I?m sorry, for what I said. Please don?t be mad, Richard. I just don?t want to share a secret of mine. Can?t you respect that?? Elrond peered in at Richard?s face. The only thing lighting the tent was the fire.
Richard turned toward Elrond. ?I can respect that. I?m sorry. I don?t know what came over me. I guess it was just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. Good night, friend.? Richard turned on his side and closed his eyes.
   ?Good night,? Elrond barely whispered. He went to his tent and fell asleep.

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Richard woke up to birds chirping and the smell of bacon and eggs. He got up to see what was going and as he opened his flap and looked outside he got a warm greeting from Elrond, who was crouching next to the much smaller fire.
?Good morning! How do you feel?? Elrond was surprisingly cheery.
Richard wiped his eyes and walked outside. ?Fine, thanks. That smells delicious, by the way.? He sat on the same log he had sat on the previous night.
?Thanks, I found all the food in a big box just behind my tent. I also found some other things you might like.? A smile came across Elrond?s face.
Richard didn?t ask what it was that Elrond found and he was too tired to ask so would just wait and see what it was.
?It?s done!? Elrond took the pans by the handle and set them to the side of the fire. ?I?m afraid that there were no plates, sorry. We can just eat out of the pans.? He handed Richard a fork and started scooping the eggs into his mouth.
?Hot! Hot!? Elrond panted rapidly trying to cool his mouth. He swallowed and gasped for air. ?That was delicious!?
Richard and Elrond ached with laughter. Richard started eating his food slowly, making sure not to burn his mouth. The air was cold, but not too much to affect Richard. The sun was up and the sky was clear; it was a beautiful day. Richard couldn?t wait to get moving. They had wasted too much time as it was.
Richard finished his food and set the pan back on the ground. ?So what is it you were going to show me??
?Oh yes, that?s right! I almost forgot. Follow me.? Elrond got up and walked to the back of his tent. Richard followed.
There were two boxes and a weapon rack. One of the two boxes had food in it and the other had Kosist dolls and things that Richard had never seen before. The rack was amazing. There were spears, swords, katanas, bows and arrows, axes, and exotic weapons Richard had never seen before.
?Choose one.? Elrond gestured his hand toward the rack.
Richard stepped closer to the rack. He had no idea of what he should choose. He was good at using most everything on the rack. He circled it a few times and then decided.
Richard picked out a knife with a steel blade and handle. It was smooth and fashionable. The sunlight reflected from it. Richard liked it because it was a single piece of steel that was shaped like a horn, except sharpened on the knife side.
Richard found its leather sheathe and put it on him, sliding the knife in with it.
Richard chose a second item: A bow. It was the finest bow Richard had ever seen. It was so well designed and amazed Richard. He grasped it, caressing it with his hands. He breathed in, feeling the power of the bow being absorbed into him. The bow was made out of an unfamiliar material that was strong, but flexible. It was silver, like the knife, and seemed very different from that of a common bow.
Richard grabbed the silver arrows that were with it and placed them inside their holder and then strapped it to his back.
Richard chose those particular weapons because he was so used to them. He was the one caring for his family. Every other day he would go out to hunt with a bow he had made. It wasn?t the highest quality of a bow but it was what he had. He caught deer and would have to skin them with his knife he bought in town. He left both of them at his house, though.
?How do I look?? Richard asked
?You look amazing! Very intimidating too.? Elrond smiled and walked to the stand and chose what he wanted.
Elrond picked out a simple iron sword and a knife similar to Richard?s. He sheathed them both and looked towards Richard. ?I have a bag of the necessary supplies we?ll need in my tent. We can go when you?re ready.?
?Okay, thanks. I?m ready to go now,? Richard said.
?Great. Let?s go!? Elrond circled around the tent and picked up the bag of supplies.
They started walking down the dirt road. Richard started to hear a small beating sound in the air. He looked around trying to find the source of it.
?Do you hear that?? Richard asked Elrond.
?No, why??
?I hear something. It?s getting louder.? Richard looked around some more. As he looked behind him he saw a large group of men marching towards them.
?Elrond! Look!? Elrond snapped his head back to see what it was.
?Who are they?? Richard asked.
?I don?t know.? Elrond said

[close]

This is not completely finished but I will update it as I write more and more. Please give honest reviews, please. Please specify what part of the story you are reviewing because if you review an earlier version and then the story gets updated, then your review is not up to par with the most recent part of the story. Is that understandable? (rhetorical question BTW)

[Kazamatta]

Keep it up. Its getting good.

[Throndir]

This was great, how long have you been writing?

There are a couple of comments I'd like to make, but over-all I think it was a good read. Since you're aiming for an entire novel, I'm assuming you want feedback? If you'd like I can try going through it paragraph at a time commenting on it. It would at least give you the perspective of another reader. I don't usually go out of my way to nit-pick on things though, but since you're serious on making a long story out of it, I can critique it as detailed as I can if you want.

Also, a question, have you written any outline, or at least ideas on the major events of the story as well as how it will end? Thinking about the story, and writing down notes, or a rough flow-chat, would go a long way into actually making the whole thing happen. It can also spur your mind to thinking more, and perhaps lead to new ideas. It also helps in making sure there are no plot-holes or contradictions as you write the story, since you have a goal in mind.

[Emperor Wilbers]

I would love to be critiqued. Any feedback would be only constructive at this point. I have been writing for a while now and I'm in an advanced english class in school. I just love writing anything really, even school essays. If there somewhat interesting, that is.

I have considered plotting and doing all that, and I have tried, but, it isn't my strong suit. When I'm doing it I feel to pressured, and the story seems too rigid to me and not flowing. That's probably because I'm not the best at it. I have always free written. I would just get pencil and paper and then go. I've gotten so used to that and it really has grown on me. I think overall that diagramming is not the way I personally would like to go because I don't feel comfortable when I'm doing it.

[Throndir]

That's fine too, many authors do the same thing. At least a workable ending of how you plan to end it? Anyways I'll get to the critique when I have an extended amount of spare time again or in between my classes. I generally reserve my evenings for fun or relaxing stuff. XD

[Throndir]

Paragraphs 1 -  9, "The ground quaked... ...a full body appeared."

First I'd have to comment on the spacing between the paragraphs. It looks fine in Word, but for readability I'd have to suggest spacing each paragraph with two newlines. Also helps for me to decide where a new paragraphs starts and where one ends, right now it's kinda hard to figure it out. I liked how the story was introduced, and you did well in showing the suspense the character was feeling and thinking in the first 9 paragraphs.

Paragraph 10, "His body limped... ...Creatures of Death."

This paragraph contrasted sharply against the foreshadowing and setting that the first 9 paragraphs created. When Elrondon came in, Richard's reactions was as if he forgot all about his cowering and shaking just moments ago. Enough even to yell over the dying screams just outside his home. I'm not sure if you wanted it this way, but in my opinion, Richard should still be wary, after all, his yelling of his friend's name might very well bring those scary things outside into his home.

Also a new paragraph should be started whenever a new character speaks.

Paragraph 11 "Yes, it is... ...sounds were coming from."

I liked how this paragraph pulled the story back into its suspense. I noticed how you called him Elrond, I'm thinking this is just a typo however.

[Emperor Wilbers]

Thanks so much, the crit really helps!

First
The formatting was a little wack when I pasted it from word so it just seems all clumped together. Sorry.

Second
Thanks you so much for pointing this out to me. It actually did cross my mind whilst I was writing that part, but it just came and went. I'll make sure to add and remove certain things to get the desired effect.

Third
Haha, I guess I missed that. Although, that is a very good suggestion though, lol. I could implement that in, because "Elrondon" is a bit long for casual talking.

Again, thanks

[Throndir]

13 - 14 "He just knew... ...all around them."
You mentioned him as Elrond again in here. Totally random, but one thing I notice is that the main character's name is Richard, and the other guy is Elrond. The names contrast kinda. I also notice your paragraphs are starting to shrink and become two sentence ones and smaller.

15 - 16 "Elrond never... ...something most horrid"
It might be good to explain Richard's and Elrond's journey crawling. It seems like a perfect place to explain the troubles that the characters are going through.

[Emperor Wilbers]

Okay, are the first two things a bad thing? As for the third thing, I will get on that and write a couple paragraphs on that. thanks