Jokes

[Grimston]

I will try to post a few jokes here for a laugh. I hope to try to get one up every few days.


Joke 1
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: ?What was that for??
WIFE: ?What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it??
MAN: ?Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: ?What was that for this time??
WIFE: ?Your horse phoned.?

[Grimston]

Joke 2
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, ?Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home??
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, ?I think Mommy ate it!?

[Grimston]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. ?Why don?t you put your money where your mouth is?? he said. ?I will bet a week?s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won?t be able to wheel back.?
?You?re on, old man,? the braggart replied. ?It?s a bet! Let?s see what you got.?
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ?All right. Get in.?

[Grimston]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker?s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
?I have and idea, boss,? his chauffeur said. ?I?ve heard you give this speech so many times. I?ll bet I could give it for you.?
Einstein laughed loudly and said, ?Why not? Let?s do it!?
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur?s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein?s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody?s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, ?Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.?

[Grimston]

Been awhile, Here is a new one

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ?Bring me my Red Shirt.? The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain?s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day?s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ?Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?? The captain replied, ?If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.?
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ?Get me my brown pants.?

[Kain]

Angry doctor lose patients.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

[Grimston]

Employer to applicant: ?In this job we need someone who is responsible.?
Applicant: ?I?m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.?

[Grimston]

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager?s office.
?What is the meaning of this?? the manager asked. ?When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years? experience. Now we discover this is the first job you?ve ever had.?
?Well,? the young man said, ?in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.?

[Grimston]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
?I have good news and bad news,? the owner replied. ?The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.?
?That?s wonderful,? the artist exclaimed. ?What?s the bad news??
?The guy was your doctor??