Unnamed Story (UPDATED 4/9/12)

[lightspeed15]

This is just a story I was working on today with some help from my brother, tell me what you think, it's my first writing attempt!


UPDATE 4/9/12

[spoiler]Chapter One: The Capture


The storm raged outside your family?s estate, and with every burst of lightning came a deafening thunderclap from the Gods above. There was a time where this sort of night would compel you to find the quietest corner of your bed and wait it out, praying every second that it would end. But with the disappearance of your brother, you felt numb even to this terrifying storm. It had been raining now for 10 days, exactly 4 fewer days than your brother had been missing, and your faith in his return wavered with every crack of the sky.

You had heard of storms being bad omens, but a storm of this intensity could only mean someone in the family was in the gravest of danger. The thought made you shudder, and you rolled over in your twin-size bed to see an envelope nestled inside your pillow-sheet.

You burst upright, and listened as intently as you could, but the storm drowned out any sounds. In any case, whoever had left this letter could not have possibly done it while you were lost in your thoughts?they would have to be quite adept at sneaking around places. Thoughts of a masked assassin with a knife inches from your throat haunted your mind as you opened the letter.

The seal seemed regal enough, with an insignia that was not familiar to you, and as you lit a candle and spilled the contents on your bed, your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach. On your bed lay your brother?s necklace- a gift from your father for his 10th birthday- and what looked like a playing card. As you turned it over, you noticed that it was the same type of cards that gypsies used to tell the future...tarots, you think they are called. This one in particular you knew, because it was the same image that was painted on the entrance of the smallest bar in the town, The Jester.
In a moment, you grabbed your things and headed toward your front door. Whoever had your brother must somehow be connected to that bar. At the last moment, you grabbed the dagger that your parents kept above the door in case of unwanted visitors. You slammed the door as you rushed out.

The rain lashes on your face as you race towards the bar, pulling on your hood. The streets are empty and there is not a single sound but for the constant pattering of rain on the cobblestone pathway.
You slow as you near the bar and observe it at a distance. The paint is peeling off the building and the windows are cracked. From within you can hear voices speaking, with the occasional laugh of a man. You place your hand within your cloak and feel for the steel, cold handle of the dagger. Its presence reassures you and you enter the bar.

Eyes rake over you, seeming to scan you, to see if you?re a threat. Slowly the eyes look away but not before leaving a lasting impression upon you.

You walk up to the barman who glances at you and laughs, ?Isn?t it past your bedtime, kid? Little late for you, eh??
You slam the tarot onto the bar counter, ?Where is my brother??

The barman stares at you, quizzically, then laughs again, ?What are you doing here? You?re already drunk enough! As if I?d know where your brother is, I don?t even know him!?

?Don?t lie,? you whisper, voice shaking, ?I know you know!?

He stares at you some more, trying to make up his mind. He gives a sad smile and says, ?You?re right. I do know something, but I cannot speak here, not now. Meet me in-?.

?I?m not meeting you anywhere! You will tell me what you know here and now! Regardless of the consequences.?

The barman sighs, ?You?re really not kidding? Here, grab a seat and let?s have a chat.?

You watch as he grabs three bottles of wine and sits down at a table. He motions for you to do the same.

As you sit down he says, ?Recently, a group of three men came to my bar, ?bout two days ago to be exact. They wanted to know the location of the Vectin estate. I gave him the location and he gave me gold and left. It was quite a hefty sum to be honest. Yesterday, the three men returned. I was able to catch part of their conversation, enough to know that they were planning to raid the Vectin estate and kidnap your brother. I know that it?s you Valen, you don?t have to hide under your hood.?

You stare at the barman, but don?t move a muscle.

?Very well then. Well as I was saying?? the barman continued but you drown out his voice as you stare around in the bar.

You spot a couple of men arm wrestling while another group drinks heartily.

Your gaze wanders over to the corner where three men sit hunched in a corner staring readily at the table you and the barman sit at. They all wear cloaks but of different colors. One has a blood-red cloak, another a pale-blue, while the final wears a black cloak.

Suddenly the men wearing red and blue reach into their cloaks as your instincts sends you diving under the table. You hear the silent swish of two daggers, only hearing one land into the chair you previously sat at.

You look around for the other and see the barman lying dead in a pool of blood, a dagger stuck straight in his right eye.

Commotion ensues.

All around the bar the men go crazy. They scream and run as the three men draw their swords and begin slicing all in their path. You leap up from under the table and run straight for the door.
Around you, two men grab daggers of their own and race towards the trio. They battle, blades slicing through the air until the two rebels each have a sword placed through them, right through their hearts.

You stare stunned as the stampede of men pushes you towards the door even further. It bursts open, with men screaming profanities, as they fall behind and are sliced. Once into the rain once more, you make a run for your home. Faces appear on the windows of houses you pass, children and women alike.

You slow as you reach your house, thinking crazily. The three men are closing in on you. What choice do you have?

You stop and turn, pulling the dagger from beneath you cloak. The red-cloaked one stops and laugh, ?Stop this nonsense, let us take you to your brother.?

You freeze, ?To?my brother??

?Of course, we have no intention of harming you. We had to take your brother for his own safety,? he says.

?You have no intention of harming me?? you repeat.

?Of course not, we must take you to your brother for your own safety,? the man glances towards the soldier?s barracks in town, far down the street. The lights are blazing and shadows move franticly in the windows. ?Hurry now, we can talk later!?

?So you kill a bunch of people just to ?take me to safety?? You guys don?t seem to plan very well,?
you say in an attempt to stall them.

Soldiers begin pouring out from the barracks, in full armor with a sword and shield. The man?s eyes are getting angry now, ?Just grab the kid and let?s get out of here!!?

The two others step towards you as you scream at the top of your lungs, ?HELP!!!?

One of the men, the one wearing black, grabs your throat and begins to strangle you, as you drop your dagger. He throws you to the ground and draws his sword. You fumble on the ground and your hand greets a steel, cold handle. You thrust upward and the man?s eyes fall out of focus, almost dreamy-like. He falls to the ground, clutching his stomach.

?Rai! Grab the kid and let?s get out of here!!? the man screams, as soldiers run towards you, almost 70 yards out.

The man named Rai grabs you by your collar as the other whistles. A chariot comes from behind you and Rai stuffs you into it before following you. The other man hops up onto horse and begins riding out of the town.

You leap towards the closed carriage door in an attempt to escape, but Rai grabs you and stuffs your mouth while promptly tying your hands behind you. The last you see of your town, before being blindfolded, is the burning torches of the guards.

Chapter Two: Final Destination?


Hours after being shoved into the carriage, your trip still is not finished.

The carriage rattles along, bouncing at every pothole, making your teeth rattle. You still lay on the bottom of the carriage, curled up in a very awkward position.

?Hey! How much longer, Lue?? Rai yells to the other man.

?Should be there soon, can?t be much longer!? Lue replies.

You rack your brain trying to see if you remember anyone called Rai or Lue, but to no avail.

?Hey! Grab that kid, we?re here!? Lue yells from the front.

Rai grabs you forcefully and shoves you out of the carriage. You can?t see it, but you land face-first into a pile of mud. Lue laughs, his laugh piercing your ear drums as he says, ?Take the blindfold off, he?ll never leave here anyways!?

Rai once again grabs you and yanks off the blindfold and pulls out the stuffing in your mouth.
The sight you see is astounding.

The rain has stopped yet a misty fog hangs over the ground. There is a forest to your right, whose bare trees yield a very depressing scene. However the sight which astounds you most, is directly in front of you.

You stand on a cliff overlooking the ocean with a drop of about 90 feet. There is a strong ocean breeze which makes you wobble slightly on the cliff. Through the fog you can barely see the outline of a castle in the distance, in the middle of the ocean?an island.

You look at Lue terrified. He has a huge grin on his face and you can see the evil in his eyes, ?You like it? That?s where you?ll be staying.?

?Come on, let?s just go, it?s chilly out here!? Rai snaps.
Rai grabs you and the three of you set off at a trot to the base of the cliff, with Rai tailing with a blade in your back, poking every time you stumble. The path rounds off and suddenly, you are at the base of the cliff.

It is a very bare beach with rocks stranded everywhere. There?s garbage lying on practically every square inch of the beach, giving it a disgusting smell.

Lue walks over behind one of the rocks and begins pushing a small rowboat into the sea.
?Well? Get on!? he says.

Rai throws you into the boat and hands you two oars. He says, ?Have fun!? as he settles down in the boat and places his sword on your neck.

You begin rowing, a very difficult task for you. You are rowing towards your own death, which will leave you with no escape route. As you thoughts wander, you slow your rowing down slightly. Rai pokes you lazily in the neck as a small squirt of blood appears on your neck, ?Faster,? he says.

You sigh and speed up your rowing and as you look at the mainland, you see it getting smaller and smaller, until it finally disappears into the mist.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*










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[/spoiler]

[Emperor Wilbers]

I give it a......

9/10!

Most second-person stories are downright disgustingly horible! This, however, was great! It wasn't like one of those cheesy history choose-your-story types of stories I do in school. It's a very good thriller mixed with mystery. It was a little fast paced but honestly, it wasn't a problem. There was ONE typo at the very end. I can't find the typo but I know its there. lol

[lightspeed15]

 (panda)

[Hasabushi]

8/10


That really sounds like it could turn into a choose-your-own-adventure story or COYA which we had one running a while back where each of us gave the next player three choices. http://rpgbackup.x10.mx/forum/index.php?board=107.0

For example in this instance you could have:
1. You Run as fast as you can away from the mysterious men
2. You Don't relinquish your weapon and stay on the offensive
3. You withdraw your weapon and follow the mysterious men

or something similar

It's a really good opening and it flows well though I think the bar fight should have been a bit longer to really show the carnage they are causing, also the pace just like Emperor said was  bit frantic, but nonetheless very well put together :D

[Throndir]

I liked it. There were some grammatical issues, but aside from that (and really grammar/spelling/typos isn't the meat of a story), I think it's great.

Anyways I hope you don't mind some of my thoughts and constructive criticism. :D

I would also go with Hasabushi's suggestion, I liked how the story flowed up until nearer the very end when it felt that it became more rushed. I think it's a matter of comparison of how the rest was structured. Looking back at it, the first 7 paragraphs was the main character heading towards the bar, and the ending fight scene as well as conclusion was around 3 paragraphs.

As for pacing of the entire thing, I personally think it's okay. I think it's all about consistency anyways, and some writers have different pacing when they write.

[lightspeed15]

 (panda) (panda) (panda)

[lightspeed15]

Chapter 2 is super tiny, not too happy with that but oh well

[Kazamatta]

I thin it was really good for a start I have been thinking of doing my own but lost motivation to do so. After reading yours I think i might just go ahad an write one. Can't wait to see more of it keep it coming.